Comedy in The Lou

14 Weird Reasons Why You’re Having Painful Sex

This is clickbait. I got the headline from some other dumb article I didn’t read.  Why didn’t I read it? No, not because it’s filth. Rather, because it’s a goddamn slideshow. Slideshow articles are the worst. They’re the most egregious type of clickbait. As a sports fan, they always make me think of Bleacher Report. The only way I’m ever reading another Bleacher Report article is if they hire a supergenius like Jon Bois or Drew Magary, and there’s no way that’s ever happening.

At least Cosmo’s slideshow articles aren’t as bad as the ones at Reader’s Digest. Those have a popup ad on EVERY SINGLE SLIDE. No thanks, RDdotcom (I refuse to even link to it). Next time I have a shitty one liner, I’m sending it to Laffy Taffy; no more Laughter is the Best Medicine entries from me!

Anyway, if you’ve been having painful sex, I’m here to diagnose why. Here are 14 weird reasons why you’re having painful sex.

  1. Differing opinions about the meaning of “I like it rough.”
    Next time maybe add “try not to bruise my throat,” or “please don’t scratch so hard that I start bleeding.” You don’t want your boss asking questions about weird bruises and scars.
  2. Catholic Guilt
    Feels kind of like shame, only steeped in two thousand years of tradition.
  3. In retrospect, it seems obvious that candle wax would be really, really, really hot.
    And now you feel like a dummy, a dummy with burnt inner thighs.
  4. You both still live with your parents, and somehow both drive smart cars.
    Something’s gotta give. Sometimes it will be the steering column; usually it’ll be your hip.
  5. Things got out of hand right around the 45th shade of grey.
    E.L. James’s prose is so bad she probably couldn’t get a job as a technical writer. Either way, you shouldn’t treat a book that started out as Twilight fanfic like it’s the instruction manual for your sexual awakening.
  6. Isn’t that why you hired a dominatrix in the first place?
    This is like when people complain that their workout made them feel sore. Fucking deal with it.
  7. Electrical fire caused by coin operated vibrating bed at skeezy motel.
    These really exist. If it weren’t for the fire, you’d have fleas. Not sure which is worse.
  8. You realized halfway through that you don’t love him anymore.
  9. You tried anal for the first time without consulting a guide or following helpful instructions.
    Big props to Dan Savage for being able to make almost any topic entertaining.
  10. You cut yourself on a headboard modeled after the throne from Game of Thrones.
    Sometimes being a huge nerd takes sacrifices. This is not one of those times. If you insist… buy some extra pillows?
  11. She says it isn’t your fault. She says she can’t get off every time, but deep down you can’t help but feel like a failure, no matter how well you normally do.
    If you can’t relate to this, you are a virgin or a liar. Or you are a terrible person that doesn’t give a shit if she gets off. Or maybe you are a straight woman?  There’s actually a lot of possibilities.
  12. You started using Cialis without first asking your doctor if you’re healthy enough to have sex.
    In case your delicate composition can’t handle holding hands while sitting in adjacent bathtubs on the top of a hill and watching the sunset. Side note: before that Cialis commercial, I had never thought of a more apt metaphor for what it feels like to cum at the same time.
  13. Surprise adult-onset latex allergy!
    I don’t even want to think about this possibility. That means avoiding cheap balloons for the rest of your life!!!
  14. It resulted in childbirth, and that child grew up to be an asshole.
    Truly the worst case scenario, both for sex and life in general.

I hope this was helpful.

Actually, on second thought, I hope you don’t ever need help diagnosing any of these problems. They are all terrible, and I love all of you  for reading my article. If you want to read more of these, you should check out this one or this one or this one.

Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, and don’t email him.

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