Comedy in The Lou

The Once and Future Stryker #3 – What About My Diet?

Stryker Spurlock is a local comedian and 17-year-old boy. He has created this advice column to ask his future self questions about life.

Present Day Stryker: “Dear Future Me, how much longer can I keep up this ‘four sodas and a spoonful of peanut butter a day’ diet before my body starts to revolt?”

Future Stryker: Dear Present Stryker, after I killed the boy in the gas station, I started off west through the trees to make my way back to my family. During the third hour of my journey back, I came across the same stream I crossed without issue on my trip to the drug store.
I carefully inched my way through the rushing water taking great pains to steady myself. It didn’t feel like more than a pinch. Then another pinch. Then a small series of pinches.
Then I saw it.
The agitated poisonous rattlesnake. I screamed, even though I knew the gangs could hear me. The bit burned. It burned and after a few minutes I burned like someone sticking hot metal underneath my skin. I cried out for help. I could feel the venom course through my body. As I lie on the beach waiting for death to take me, I heard a voice whisper through the forest.
“Stop yelling and we will help you.”
I stopped yelling. After 15 quiet minutes a tall, dirty man came out from the weeds and pulled me out of the water.
“What happened?”
“Snake bite. Rattlesnake, I think.”
“Is there anything you can do? Can you suck the poison out? I just came from a drug store. Maybe there’s something there you can use to help me survive.”
“Sucking the poison out won’t help. You’ve been bitten too many times. And I doubt there’ll be any drugs that can help you in the way you need helped. Right now.”
“Is there anything you can do?”
I thought of the maimed kid and I started to cry.
“We can take it.”
“Take what?”
“We can take your leg.”
That’s when I realize, I should have drank more sodas and eaten more spoonfuls of peanut butter. The body never revolts. Only nature.


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