Comedy in The Lou

Die Antwoord: The Best Haunted House

Sometimes I go to great lengths for a joke, like committing to a bit that could result in arrest or paying $12 to to learn if my house is haunted.  I attended the Die Antwoord show at The Pageant as a “joke”.  What makes attending a concert a joke?  When you spend the entire concert taking pictures of people you think look weird and not knowing any lyrics aside from the few songs you listened to on Spotify and that one YouTube video you watched from the band three years ago.  It was an expensive $32 joke.

I spent the whole of the opening act’s set drinking beer and smoking outside the Halo Bar.  I was watching all the people come up in their costumes.  There was a bunny, some kind of bear, a man in an orange jumpsuit that said ‘Pizza Machine’.  ‘Pizza Machine’ was later sighted being detained by fire rescue for an unknown, yet obviously drug-related reason.  There were even Juggalos!  Not enough to warrant a gathering of them, but they were showing in nice numbers.

The opening DJ set concluded.  I reupped on beer.  Always have two at a time at a concert to save precious awkwardly bumping into people time.  During this time, an ASL interpreter took the side of the stage.  She was extremely animated and enjoyable to watch, however, if she was signing, I had no idea what she was signing because there was only an instrumental track playing.

The curtain opened and we were greeted by this:

An introduction to Die Antwoord


The visage of the late Leon Botha, an artist and a DJ and the longest survivor of progeria.  Progeria is the disease that the movie ‘Jack’ was based on, but it’s much less fun than Robin Williams made it out to be.  It was at this time, I decided to just pretend I was in a haunted house to cope with what was going on around me.  It’s taken a lot of mental abuse for me to find slipping into a world of monsters comforting, but the environment was perfect.  There were ghosts (more on that later), weird animal/human hybrids walking around, and strobe lights.  This would be the best haunted house I’ve ever attended.

The curtain opens and we’re greeted with DJ Hi-Tek’s intro song.


Ninja and Yolandi came out at the conclusion of that heartfelt intro and launched into presumably one of their songs.  I had no idea what they were saying.  Their South African accents, played up for show I assume, were lost on me.  I only understood the word ‘fok’ as it was also written on some of the stage setup.  This fit in well as at that time, I was picturing them as demons speaking a strange language.  This was easy to do as a short time later, Die Antwoord was joined onstage by faceless dancers.  I did not get a picture of them, so here’s a close approximation:

FACELESS BEINGS, not actually Die Antwoord

Just add lights and glow paint.

I was absolutely delighted by everything that was happening in front of me, but nothing could prepare me for what happened next.

A PH-PH-PHALLUS!  Die Antwoord's friend.

The friendliest ghost.


Then we got to the part of the haunted house where it’s pitch black and you can’t find the exit, but then you realize the exit was a closed cardboard door painted black.

Die Antwoord likes cursing.


Die Antwoord was my favorite haunted house ever.

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