Comedy in The Lou

Let’s Take A Look: Ebola

Ebola hemorrhagic fever (EHF), or Ebola to its friends, is a disease of humans and other primates caused by an ebolavirus Symptoms start two days to three weeks after contracting the virus, with a fever, sore throat, muscle pain and headaches.  Typically, vomiting, diarrhea and rash follow, along with decreased function of the liver and kidneys.  Around this time, affected people may begin to bleed both within the body and externally.   (Source: Wikipedia)

This all sounds bad, but is it?  Let’s take a look!


Ebola: Not So Bad


Your friend Ebola

Looks like a dick

Should you let someone hold your baby?

My hobbies include beard-growing, Lego collecting, and staying off government lists.  I don’t want to hold your baby.

Should you let me hold your baby?  It’s all up to you.  Did I ask to hold your baby?  I assure you I did not.  This is a strong indicator I do not want to hold your baby.  When you asked if I wanted to hold your baby, did I say yes?  I assure you I did not.

Did you know that I’ve broken three iPhone screens this year alone?  iPhones are pretty easy to hold.

Your baby is basically and irreplaceable Faberge egg that cries and bleeds.  Okay, babies are technically replaceable.  If you handed me a Faberge egg and it started crying, I would drop it immediately.    I bet Faberge eggs wouldn’t be worth as much if they cried.

I made a useless chart.

No do not let someone hold your baby.

What you should learn from this, baby owner, is that a baby is a very delicate thing that should not be passed around like so many broken Faberge eggs.


Die Antwoord: The Best Haunted House

Sometimes I go to great lengths for a joke, like committing to a bit that could result in arrest or paying $12 to to learn if my house is haunted.  I attended the Die Antwoord show at The Pageant as a “joke”.  What makes attending a concert a joke?  When you spend the entire concert taking pictures of people you think look weird and not knowing any lyrics aside from the few songs you listened to on Spotify and that one YouTube video you watched from the band three years ago.  It was an expensive $32 joke.

I spent the whole of the opening act’s set drinking beer and smoking outside the Halo Bar.  I was watching all the people come up in their costumes.  There was a bunny, some kind of bear, a man in an orange jumpsuit that said ‘Pizza Machine’.  ‘Pizza Machine’ was later sighted being detained by fire rescue for an unknown, yet obviously drug-related reason.  There were even Juggalos!  Not enough to warrant a gathering of them, but they were showing in nice numbers.

The opening DJ set concluded.  I reupped on beer.  Always have two at a time at a concert to save precious awkwardly bumping into people time.  During this time, an ASL interpreter took the side of the stage.  She was extremely animated and enjoyable to watch, however, if she was signing, I had no idea what she was signing because there was only an instrumental track playing.

The curtain opened and we were greeted by this:

An introduction to Die Antwoord


The visage of the late Leon Botha, an artist and a DJ and the longest survivor of progeria.  Progeria is the disease that the movie ‘Jack’ was based on, but it’s much less fun than Robin Williams made it out to be.  It was at this time, I decided to just pretend I was in a haunted house to cope with what was going on around me.  It’s taken a lot of mental abuse for me to find slipping into a world of monsters comforting, but the environment was perfect.  There were ghosts (more on that later), weird animal/human hybrids walking around, and strobe lights.  This would be the best haunted house I’ve ever attended.

The curtain opens and we’re greeted with DJ Hi-Tek’s intro song.


Ninja and Yolandi came out at the conclusion of that heartfelt intro and launched into presumably one of their songs.  I had no idea what they were saying.  Their South African accents, played up for show I assume, were lost on me.  I only understood the word ‘fok’ as it was also written on some of the stage setup.  This fit in well as at that time, I was picturing them as demons speaking a strange language.  This was easy to do as a short time later, Die Antwoord was joined onstage by faceless dancers.  I did not get a picture of them, so here’s a close approximation:

FACELESS BEINGS, not actually Die Antwoord

Just add lights and glow paint.

I was absolutely delighted by everything that was happening in front of me, but nothing could prepare me for what happened next.

A PH-PH-PHALLUS!  Die Antwoord's friend.

The friendliest ghost.


Then we got to the part of the haunted house where it’s pitch black and you can’t find the exit, but then you realize the exit was a closed cardboard door painted black.

Die Antwoord likes cursing.


Die Antwoord was my favorite haunted house ever.

Shower Debate: Public Restrooms

If you go to bars a lot, chances are that you have been in some shady bathrooms. They have been around since circa 2800 BC and you think the rooms themselves and the social rules involved with going to the bathroom would have been perfected by now. Unfortunately, they have not. I still walk into some situations that are way awkward and sometimes gross in public restrooms.   This is not really a debate, it’s just the internal monologue I had in the shower.

Sometimes I blame myself for the awkward bathroom situations I walk into while I stand shamefully emptying my bladder, but a lot of the time it’s not my fault. Interior designers and architects are the reason for me having to see so many penises in live action. Seriously, architects are sadists.


Bathroom Designer Mistake #1: Positioning of Elements

In some gas stations, the restrooms are setup with a toilet stall facing the door with a urinal next to it. Bathroom stall doors usually have a lot of space between the door itself and the metal frame. Anyone walking in can clearly see your penis if you are on the toilet.



Bathroom Design Mistake #2: Useless Privacy Dividers

I believe I ran into this situation in a Dairy Queen in Bloomington, IL. The divider between the urinals is about 3 or 4 inches and the divider between the toilet and the urinals is about 2 inches bigger than the previous divider. These dividers do nothing to protect urinal privacy. Also, there is no door on the stall. What is the reason for that? The door to the bathroom clearly opens directly into the line of fire of the stall. “Gee, that root beer float was awesome. I’ve got a long road trip ahead of me. Guess, I’ll just relieve myself in the conveniently placed restroom and check out a guy cranking one out”.



Bathroom Design Mistake #3: Doors Without Locks

Normally, if a restroom door does not have a lock, you can open it a little and do the ‘just the tip’ check and quickly close the door if the restroom is occupied. In some situations, this is not the case. At some gas station on the way back from a road trip, I had to pee so hard. (Sidenote: I think your penis can smell toilet water through your peehole) I rushed into the gas station and was informed where the bathroom was. I bolted through the door, undoing my belt as I rushed in, and to my horror there was another dude already making Christmas in that bathroom. Our eyes met. “Door didn’t have a lock. I’m almost done here.” Ugh, please do not talk to me and make this more awkward. I was too far in. I ended up standing in the corner like I was in timeout while this man wiped. Please buy locks for your restrooms. I am tired of telling people that I am not in line. I am just guarding the door for a friend that drank too much soda.



Bathroom Design Mistake #4: Soap Dispenser Near a Hand Dryer

This one is not that bad and it is not exactly awkward, but it does gross me out sometimes. In some bustling bathrooms, the soap dispenser is right next to and slightly below the hand dryer. Person pees, washes, dries. Over and over again all day. All the while, our friend the hand soap is receiving heat from the hand dryer. This makes the hand soap warm and too often thick. I have never seen the manufacturing process for liquid hand soap. Semen, it’s semen.

A liquid soap factory.

A liquid soap factory.


Since I know you go use the facilities at least once a day, unless the entity reading this is not human, I am certain that you have seen some of these situations before. I wish I could write about awkward bathroom situations for women, but I just do not have the experience. It’s a world of wonder and mystery to me that I will never know. I have been in the ladies room before, but ya know, not with other women watching me pee or anything like that.

Public restrooms are a necessary evil.




Shower Debate: Suicide and Con Air

Recently, Henry Rollins made some incendiary comments about suicide and as a person with a Black Flag tattoo and a cat named Henry Pawlins, I was asked by many what I thought about his opinions.  I assure you that having a tattoo of a band someone was in almost 30 years ago does not qualify one to be a spokesperson for that individual.  All I have to say is that suicide is a very complex issue and I would rather not espouse any ideas about it in a public forum.

So how do we settle the important issues of the day?  A shower debate.  Showers are a time of reflection and cleanliness where you are alone with your thoughts and your shampoo.  I recommend making all of your significant life decisions while showering as it will give you a so fresh and so clean clean perspective on the issues affecting you.  Shower on it. Don’t sleep on it.  You’re not able to enter contracts while incapacitated, so don’t make decisions while unconscious.

I want to settle an issue that has plagued humanity since 1997.  Is Con Air the best movie ever?  I hadn’t thought about Con Air in a long time, but I was switching between talk radio stations and one mentioned ‘hostages’ while the other mentioned a missing airplane and I shouted from within my car, “I’m going to watch Con Air!”.  So I gave it an updated viewing.  Does it still stand up?  Like any dilemma I face, I showered on it.  This is the internal and sometimes external monologue that transpired in my shower this morning.  Picture me nude and saturated with soap and water.


POINT: Con Air is the best movie ever!

Badass Con Air Cover

The three-headed beast that is Con Air


Planes, prisoners, pedophiles, Pnicolas Pcage!  This movie has it all.  What’s not to love about a guy who killed a jackass in a bar on account of his jackassery?  (SPOILER ALERT)  The plane is named Jailbird!  An adult sat down and said ‘Fuck everything’, put pen to paper (more likely fingers to keys), and committed to a major Hollywood motion picture script, the word ‘jailbird’ to refer to a plane full of prisoners.  That man then ate two pizzas because he had transcended being and I don’t know how spiritualism works.

Nicolas Cage is flawless in the main role as Cameron Poe. How are we, as a people, not using the phrase ‘Let’s put the bunny down’ as a euphemism for sex? It’s a missed opportunity and advanced aliens who visit us will judge us inferior for it before enslaving us in a massive generation ship named Jailbird.

A plane, devoid of impulse control and a lack of concern for moderation, lands on the Las Vegas strip.  Michael Bay had no hand in this.  Again, another adult sat down and said aloud ‘No gods, no masters’, put digits to plastic, and set in stony paper, ‘Let’s land the fucking Jailbird on the Vegas strip!’.  Notice that I say adult and not man because I believe in equality, ladies.  That adult is now retired living off the royalties from that scene because I don’t know how being paid for art works.

Con Air - Jailbird

The Jailbird plays it fast and loose.

In summary, this is a movie about good and evil that culminates in Nicolas Cage finding freedom via a very above underground railroad.


COUNTER-POINT: Con Air is the worst movie ever!

A child could have come up with Jailbird for the name of a plane full of prisoners.  You could come up with prison transport nicknames all day: Convict Carriage, Prison Plane, Bad Guy Bus.  See, it’s easy.

The writers really missed out on an opportunity to make the main character more badass and call him Cam’ron Poe, but it was 1997, they didn’t know, but I prefer to have forward thinking writers take care of my ‘X on a plane’ movies.

Steve Buscemi, an Emmy Award-nominated (Notice it’s not Academy) actor is typecast as a handsome serial killer.  He should shine in this role, however, he does not make a believable creep as there is no onscreen chemistry between him and the little girl he has a tea date with.  His supposed desire to kill her was just non-existent. Why did I care about this in the shower?  We’ll never know.

Con Air - Steve Buscemi

The little girl will be okay, I’m promise.


Okay brain, what’d you decide?

Con Air is clearly the best movie ever.  Another debate solved by showering.

Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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