Comedy in The Lou

5 Ways To Stay Faithful If You’re Tempted To Cheat

This is clickbait. I stole the title from some awful article on

Uusually I don’t even read the article. This is  so I can snarkily refer to it as “some dumb article I didn’t even read.” This time, however, I had to make sure the original wasn’t a joke. I have a strict policy of only making fun of people that are being earnestly stupid. There’s no point making jokes about other jokes being bad. Also, I figured maybe the advice would be hilariously terrible. It was mostly just boringly bad. Frowny face…

The author thinks she is giving the reader 5 different ways to stay faithful, but really it is only 3 and only 2 of them are valid. They are 1. Don’t tell anyone about it, 2. Tell someone about it, and 3. End the relationship with your significant other so it technically isn’t cheating. The first two suggestions are stupidly vague and unhelpful. The third answer is not valid because it does not play by the rules of the question.

Seriously, if you break up with your SO in order to have sex with some strange, how is that “staying faithful?” It’s not. It technically isn’t cheating, but that’s not the point of the list. This is like asking a football coach how he plans to score a touchdown and win the game, and getting the answer “If we wait until next week, that opponent has a weaker defense.” That football coach would be fired, and so should the person that wrote this article.

Anyway, here is my list of 5 ways to stay faithful if you’re tempted to cheat:

  1. Awkwardly mention your significant other frequently in conversation
    If you aren’t an idiot, you already know about this tactic. That doesn’t make this a bad suggestion. One thing I’ve learned about clickbait articles is that they don’t try to teach you things so much as make you feel smart when they confirm things you already knew. You’re welcome.
  2. Don’t get naked around people you are attracted to.
    If there’s sexual tension between you and your doctor, find an uglier doctor to do your physical.
  3. Don’t touch anyone but your significant other with your mouth.
    This includes if you are trained in CPR. CPR success rates are only somewhere between 1% and maybe 18%, so is it really worth the 100% chance your relationship will be screwed up if you start mouth breathing with some hottie?
  4. Don’t fondle anyone that isn’t your significant other.
    Sit on your hands if you have to.
  5. Don’t get black out drunk.
    This is good advice for any adult. There are a few things you could do to make me classify you as “one of the dumbest people on this planet.” You could be against helmet laws for motorcycles or for open carry of rifles in public. You could quit your job after the very first time you tried standup comedy, expecting to immediately make a living at it. Or, you could be older than 25 and say that you intend to black out from drinking. Just hit yourself in the head with a hammer; it’s the same thing.

Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, and don’t email him.

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