My hobbies include beard-growing, Lego collecting, and staying off government lists. I don’t want to hold your baby.
Should you let me hold your baby? It’s all up to you. Did I ask to hold your baby? I assure you I did not. This is a strong indicator I do not want to hold your baby. When you asked if I wanted to hold your baby, did I say yes? I assure you I did not.
Did you know that I’ve broken three iPhone screens this year alone? iPhones are pretty easy to hold.
Your baby is basically and irreplaceable Faberge egg that cries and bleeds. Okay, babies are technically replaceable. If you handed me a Faberge egg and it started crying, I would drop it immediately. I bet Faberge eggs wouldn’t be worth as much if they cried.
I made a useless chart.
What you should learn from this, baby owner, is that a baby is a very delicate thing that should not be passed around like so many broken Faberge eggs.
Uusually I don’t even read the article. This is so I can snarkily refer to it as “some dumb article I didn’t even read.” This time, however, I had to make sure the original wasn’t a joke. I have a strict policy of only making fun of people that are being earnestly stupid. There’s no point making jokes about other jokes being bad. Also, I figured maybe the advice would be hilariously terrible. It was mostly just boringly bad. Frowny face…
The author thinks she is giving the reader 5 different ways to stay faithful, but really it is only 3 and only 2 of them are valid. They are 1. Don’t tell anyone about it, 2. Tell someone about it, and 3. End the relationship with your significant other so it technically isn’t cheating. The first two suggestions are stupidly vague and unhelpful. The third answer is not valid because it does not play by the rules of the question.
Seriously, if you break up with your SO in order to have sex with some strange, how is that “staying faithful?” It’s not. It technically isn’t cheating, but that’s not the point of the list. This is like asking a football coach how he plans to score a touchdown and win the game, and getting the answer “If we wait until next week, that opponent has a weaker defense.” That football coach would be fired, and so should the person that wrote this article.
Anyway, here is my list of 5 ways to stay faithful if you’re tempted to cheat:
Awkwardly mention your significant other frequently in conversation If you aren’t an idiot, you already know about this tactic. That doesn’t make this a bad suggestion. One thing I’ve learned about clickbait articles is that they don’t try to teach you things so much as make you feel smart when they confirm things you already knew. You’re welcome.
Don’t get naked around people you are attracted to.
If there’s sexual tension between you and your doctor, find an uglier doctor to do your physical.
Don’t touch anyone but your significant other with your mouth. This includes if you are trained in CPR. CPR success rates are only somewhere between 1% and maybe 18%, so is it really worth the 100% chance your relationship will be screwed up if you start mouth breathing with some hottie?
Don’t fondle anyone that isn’t your significant other. Sit on your hands if you have to.
Don’t get black out drunk.
This is good advice for any adult. There are a few things you could do to make me classify you as “one of the dumbest people on this planet.” You could be against helmet laws for motorcycles or for open carry of rifles in public. You could quit your job after the very first time you tried standup comedy, expecting to immediately make a living at it. Or, you could be older than 25 and say that you intend to black out from drinking. Just hit yourself in the head with a hammer; it’s the same thing.
Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, and don’t email him.
Sometimes I go to great lengths for a joke, like committing to a bit that could result in arrest or paying $12 to diedinhouse.com to learn if my house is haunted. I attended the Die Antwoord show at The Pageant as a “joke”. What makes attending a concert a joke? When you spend the entire concert taking pictures of people you think look weird and not knowing any lyrics aside from the few songs you listened to on Spotify and that one YouTube video you watched from the band three years ago. It was an expensive $32 joke.
I spent the whole of the opening act’s set drinking beer and smoking outside the Halo Bar. I was watching all the people come up in their costumes. There was a bunny, some kind of bear, a man in an orange jumpsuit that said ‘Pizza Machine’. ‘Pizza Machine’ was later sighted being detained by fire rescue for an unknown, yet obviously drug-related reason. There were even Juggalos! Not enough to warrant a gathering of them, but they were showing in nice numbers.
The opening DJ set concluded. I reupped on beer. Always have two at a time at a concert to save precious awkwardly bumping into people time. During this time, an ASL interpreter took the side of the stage. She was extremely animated and enjoyable to watch, however, if she was signing, I had no idea what she was signing because there was only an instrumental track playing.
The curtain opened and we were greeted by this:
The visage of the late Leon Botha, an artist and a DJ and the longest survivor of progeria. Progeria is the disease that the movie ‘Jack’ was based on, but it’s much less fun than Robin Williams made it out to be. It was at this time, I decided to just pretend I was in a haunted house to cope with what was going on around me. It’s taken a lot of mental abuse for me to find slipping into a world of monsters comforting, but the environment was perfect. There were ghosts (more on that later), weird animal/human hybrids walking around, and strobe lights. This would be the best haunted house I’ve ever attended.
The curtain opens and we’re greeted with DJ Hi-Tek’s intro song.
Ninja and Yolandi came out at the conclusion of that heartfelt intro and launched into presumably one of their songs. I had no idea what they were saying. Their South African accents, played up for show I assume, were lost on me. I only understood the word ‘fok’ as it was also written on some of the stage setup. This fit in well as at that time, I was picturing them as demons speaking a strange language. This was easy to do as a short time later, Die Antwoord was joined onstage by faceless dancers. I did not get a picture of them, so here’s a close approximation:
Just add lights and glow paint.
I was absolutely delighted by everything that was happening in front of me, but nothing could prepare me for what happened next.
The friendliest ghost.
Then we got to the part of the haunted house where it’s pitch black and you can’t find the exit, but then you realize the exit was a closed cardboard door painted black.
Dave Ross is coming back to town. Kevin White and Zach Peterson too. See them at The Elvis Room in Blueberry Hill on Wednesday, October 15.
Tickets are only available for purchase the night of the show at the door but you can RSVP on Facebook, if you’d like.
Dave Ross is a comedian and storyteller in Los Angeles, CA. He is a regular at L.A.’s Nerdist Theater at Meltdown, and at the Hollywood Improv, and performs at literally every festival, club, theater, bar, fire hall and bombed-out stone building that will have him.
He is the host of the podcast Terrified on the Nerdist Network and a MOTH Grand Slam winner. You might have seen him on Tosh.0 with his sketch group, WOMEN, or heard him telling stories on KCRW. In 2014, he got hammered on Drunk History on Comedy Central, and in a blackout, demanded that everyone in the world be nice to each other. That’s pretty much Dave in a nutshell. He loves you. He loves you kind of angrily.
Kevin Whitewas described by the Chicago Tribune as “a physical expression of an exclamation point.” He approaches topics like heartbreak, financial woe and fear of the future with a cheerful cynicism and an urgent stage presence. His stand up is personal, engaging and visual.
He now lives in Chicago where his writing helped win “Best Sketch/Improv Troupe”from the Chicago Reader for his work with late night show Talk Hard. Kevin currently produces the comedy debate show Arguments & Grievances in Chicago, which was awarded 2014’s “Best Variety Show” by Chicago Magazine, and hailed as “smart, high-stakes tomfoolery disguised in a brilliant, faux-brainy conceit.”
Zach Peterson began writing comedy in 2008 with Ian Douglas Terry with a sketch group named OKFMDOA. The writing gave birth to a live show and a slew of internet videos. Some actually being good to the surprise of everyone. OKFMDOA garnered awards from Seattle Sketchfest, HBO and Funny or Die.