Recently, Henry Rollins made some incendiary comments about suicide and as a person with a Black Flag tattoo and a cat named Henry Pawlins, I was asked by many what I thought about his opinions. I assure you that having a tattoo of a band someone was in almost 30 years ago does not qualify one to be a spokesperson for that individual. All I have to say is that suicide is a very complex issue and I would rather not espouse any ideas about it in a public forum.
So how do we settle the important issues of the day? A shower debate. Showers are a time of reflection and cleanliness where you are alone with your thoughts and your shampoo. I recommend making all of your significant life decisions while showering as it will give you a so fresh and so clean clean perspective on the issues affecting you. Shower on it. Don’t sleep on it. You’re not able to enter contracts while incapacitated, so don’t make decisions while unconscious.
I want to settle an issue that has plagued humanity since 1997. Is Con Air the best movie ever? I hadn’t thought about Con Air in a long time, but I was switching between talk radio stations and one mentioned ‘hostages’ while the other mentioned a missing airplane and I shouted from within my car, “I’m going to watch Con Air!”. So I gave it an updated viewing. Does it still stand up? Like any dilemma I face, I showered on it. This is the internal and sometimes external monologue that transpired in my shower this morning. Picture me nude and saturated with soap and water.
POINT: Con Air is the best movie ever!
The three-headed beast that is Con Air
Planes, prisoners, pedophiles, Pnicolas Pcage! This movie has it all. What’s not to love about a guy who killed a jackass in a bar on account of his jackassery? (SPOILER ALERT) The plane is named Jailbird! An adult sat down and said ‘Fuck everything’, put pen to paper (more likely fingers to keys), and committed to a major Hollywood motion picture script, the word ‘jailbird’ to refer to a plane full of prisoners. That man then ate two pizzas because he had transcended being and I don’t know how spiritualism works.
Nicolas Cage is flawless in the main role as Cameron Poe. How are we, as a people, not using the phrase ‘Let’s put the bunny down’ as a euphemism for sex? It’s a missed opportunity and advanced aliens who visit us will judge us inferior for it before enslaving us in a massive generation ship named Jailbird.
A plane, devoid of impulse control and a lack of concern for moderation, lands on the Las Vegas strip. Michael Bay had no hand in this. Again, another adult sat down and said aloud ‘No gods, no masters’, put digits to plastic, and set in stony paper, ‘Let’s land the fucking Jailbird on the Vegas strip!’. Notice that I say adult and not man because I believe in equality, ladies. That adult is now retired living off the royalties from that scene because I don’t know how being paid for art works.
The Jailbird plays it fast and loose.
In summary, this is a movie about good and evil that culminates in Nicolas Cage finding freedom via a very above underground railroad.
COUNTER-POINT: Con Air is the worst movie ever!
A child could have come up with Jailbird for the name of a plane full of prisoners. You could come up with prison transport nicknames all day: Convict Carriage, Prison Plane, Bad Guy Bus. See, it’s easy.
The writers really missed out on an opportunity to make the main character more badass and call him Cam’ron Poe, but it was 1997, they didn’t know, but I prefer to have forward thinking writers take care of my ‘X on a plane’ movies.
Steve Buscemi, an Emmy Award-nominated (Notice it’s not Academy) actor is typecast as a handsome serial killer. He should shine in this role, however, he does not make a believable creep as there is no onscreen chemistry between him and the little girl he has a tea date with. His supposed desire to kill her was just non-existent. Why did I care about this in the shower? We’ll never know.
The little girl will be okay, I’m promise.
Okay brain, what’d you decide?
Con Air is clearly the best movie ever. Another debate solved by showering.
Share your thoughts in the comments below.