Comedy in The Lou

vincemugshot

Podcast Post! Rude Moose Radio: “Dead Game Show Hosts for $200, Alex”

What is Rude Moose Radio Network? Well, here’s what they had to say about themselves:
The Rude Moose Radio Network is comprised of two programs at the time of this writing. The flagship show, the titular “Rude Moose Radio.” Yes, we are aware we said titular, and yes, it’s funny. That show is hosted by Matthew Rude and Joel Vidakovich. Two crazy kids with a dream. Hosting a comedy podcast that more than just them find amusing. One day, we’re hoping they realize that dream.

The Second show is “Kayfabe Poker Night.” This is a roundtable show that examines the sport of the kings. No, not jousting. NO! It’s not seeing who can survive the plague either. It’s WRESTLING! Ya dumb dumb. Hosted by Landon Meyer, this show is more than just a couple guys reading results and giving you their opinions, predictions, and zodiac signs. It’s hard hitting commentary and news as well!

There are more shows to come, so like our page, share it with your friends, and head over to rudemooseradio.podbean.com or find us on iTunes. Thanks for checking us out, and we’ll see you at home.

PS: Don’t forget to pick up milk.


Lebron James

Don’t cry Miami, Lebron James is replaceable! (just ask the Fresh Prince of Bel Air)

Lebron James leaving Miami isn’t the end of the world…who am I kidding, they better take a picture of that trophy because Miami won’t sniff another NBA title without him, but all is not lost. King James isn’t the first star to leave a great cast of characters only to be replaced, like people won’t say,”Hey, who the hell is this?”. Just ask Janet Hubert aka Aunt Viv, the original Vivian Banks from the hit show “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. One word from the Man In Black himself and Janet was neutralized from NBC studio audiences existence and replaced with the lovely (and much lighter) Daphne Reid.

Miami can survive losing Lebron, they just need to a Hollywood recasting and I have a list of possible replacements that meet the one noticeable requirement his basketball heiress has: a receding hairline.

The candidates: 

 

Orenthal James Simpson aka O.J. Simpson:

Orenthal James Simpson aka O.J. Simpson:

Former athlete, O.J. should be able to fit right into the Heat line up.

The prison gym will have him in perfect shape for the 2019-20 season, when he’s up for parole.

Just don’t anybody steal his jersey, again.

 

Wayne Brady

Wayne Brady

The multi talented Brady can sing, act, dance,and hopefully has a jump shot.

We know he can get tough from his Chappelle Show appearance just in case he has to choke a bitch Latrell Sprewell style.

Larry Fine

Larry Fine

 

Yes, of The Three Stooges fame, he had a brief career as a boxer so professional sports isn’t new to him.

When the team is behind, he can whip out the Stativarious, play “Pop goes the weasel”, and rally the team into a Curley like fury.

If he can handle the rock as well as Moe’s punches he’ll fit in just Fine.

 

Steven A. Smith

Steven A. Smith

 

Let’s see if he can walk the walk as well as he talks.

I’m sure NBA players will love to see the blabber mouth of ESPN in a jersey. Wonder how many flagrant fouls they’ll rack up busting Smith in the chops?

 

Jamie Foxx

Jamie Foxx

 

Is there anything he can’t do? Well, basketball is a part of his many skills.

He can even sport a dress just as well as Dennis Rodman.

 

Sherman Hemsley

Sherman Hemsley

 

Last but not least, the late, great George Jefferson in the bald headed flesh. If his basketball moves are as fast as his funky chicken moves opposing teams will be in trouble.

Just in case the team needs a prayer for another title, his stint as Deacon Frye on “Amen” will come in handy.

 


conair

Shower Debate: Suicide and Con Air

Recently, Henry Rollins made some incendiary comments about suicide and as a person with a Black Flag tattoo and a cat named Henry Pawlins, I was asked by many what I thought about his opinions.  I assure you that having a tattoo of a band someone was in almost 30 years ago does not qualify one to be a spokesperson for that individual.  All I have to say is that suicide is a very complex issue and I would rather not espouse any ideas about it in a public forum.

So how do we settle the important issues of the day?  A shower debate.  Showers are a time of reflection and cleanliness where you are alone with your thoughts and your shampoo.  I recommend making all of your significant life decisions while showering as it will give you a so fresh and so clean clean perspective on the issues affecting you.  Shower on it. Don’t sleep on it.  You’re not able to enter contracts while incapacitated, so don’t make decisions while unconscious.

I want to settle an issue that has plagued humanity since 1997.  Is Con Air the best movie ever?  I hadn’t thought about Con Air in a long time, but I was switching between talk radio stations and one mentioned ‘hostages’ while the other mentioned a missing airplane and I shouted from within my car, “I’m going to watch Con Air!”.  So I gave it an updated viewing.  Does it still stand up?  Like any dilemma I face, I showered on it.  This is the internal and sometimes external monologue that transpired in my shower this morning.  Picture me nude and saturated with soap and water.

 

POINT: Con Air is the best movie ever!

Badass Con Air Cover

The three-headed beast that is Con Air

 

Planes, prisoners, pedophiles, Pnicolas Pcage!  This movie has it all.  What’s not to love about a guy who killed a jackass in a bar on account of his jackassery?  (SPOILER ALERT)  The plane is named Jailbird!  An adult sat down and said ‘Fuck everything’, put pen to paper (more likely fingers to keys), and committed to a major Hollywood motion picture script, the word ‘jailbird’ to refer to a plane full of prisoners.  That man then ate two pizzas because he had transcended being and I don’t know how spiritualism works.

Nicolas Cage is flawless in the main role as Cameron Poe. How are we, as a people, not using the phrase ‘Let’s put the bunny down’ as a euphemism for sex? It’s a missed opportunity and advanced aliens who visit us will judge us inferior for it before enslaving us in a massive generation ship named Jailbird.

A plane, devoid of impulse control and a lack of concern for moderation, lands on the Las Vegas strip.  Michael Bay had no hand in this.  Again, another adult sat down and said aloud ‘No gods, no masters’, put digits to plastic, and set in stony paper, ‘Let’s land the fucking Jailbird on the Vegas strip!’.  Notice that I say adult and not man because I believe in equality, ladies.  That adult is now retired living off the royalties from that scene because I don’t know how being paid for art works.

Con Air - Jailbird

The Jailbird plays it fast and loose.

In summary, this is a movie about good and evil that culminates in Nicolas Cage finding freedom via a very above underground railroad.

 

COUNTER-POINT: Con Air is the worst movie ever!

A child could have come up with Jailbird for the name of a plane full of prisoners.  You could come up with prison transport nicknames all day: Convict Carriage, Prison Plane, Bad Guy Bus.  See, it’s easy.

The writers really missed out on an opportunity to make the main character more badass and call him Cam’ron Poe, but it was 1997, they didn’t know, but I prefer to have forward thinking writers take care of my ‘X on a plane’ movies.

Steve Buscemi, an Emmy Award-nominated (Notice it’s not Academy) actor is typecast as a handsome serial killer.  He should shine in this role, however, he does not make a believable creep as there is no onscreen chemistry between him and the little girl he has a tea date with.  His supposed desire to kill her was just non-existent. Why did I care about this in the shower?  We’ll never know.

Con Air - Steve Buscemi

The little girl will be okay, I’m promise.

 

Okay brain, what’d you decide?

Con Air is clearly the best movie ever.  Another debate solved by showering.

Share your thoughts in the comments below.


More Like OK Stupid: Wanna Hear a Joke?

When I first created my OK Cupid profile, I debated whether or not to mention that I perform stand-up, but I eventually landed on the opinion that it’s a big part of who I am and worth mentioning. I settled for saying I “write and perform comedy”. I didn’t want anyone to Google me before getting to know me, so I felt that was vague enough since it didn’t specify stand-up. You can easily search “St. Louis Standup Emily” and I’m the first result. You don’t even have to know my last name and you’re soon on a path to discovering that shitty RFT competition video I made or you can read through my embarrassing tweets to find that one time I drunkenly tweeted at John Mayer, asking if he’s still waiting for the world to change or did he run out of sudokus to do in the meantime. But here’s the most annoying thing and my biggest hesitation about telling people I perform stand-up comedy: Everyone likes to tell me about how funny they think they are or how funny their friends think they are. Ask any comic, I bet you he or she hears this from people all the f*ckin’ time! This kind of response is more so the case with men. Women tend to say, “That’s so brave. I could never do that,” to which I usually respond, “It’s not about being brave. It’s about having a lack of shame.” This is about to go into a whole other argument about how men are encouraged to be funny more than women are, so I’m going to get off my soapbox and back to my point…

I didn’t get how silly it sounds to tell someone that you think you would be good at what they work hard at doing until I was waiting in line with another comic to meet Pete Holmes after seeing him perform and I asked my fellow comic, “Should we tell him we’re comics, too?” He said we should and then proceeded to do just that. Pete Holmes reacted just the way he should of reacted, which was, “Okay…” But I realized something when that happened: That was the equivalent of asking Jack White to listen to a CD of me singing and playing ukulele (just like a thousand other quirky girls you can find on YouTube). And when people tell me that they think they’re funny and they should do stand-up, too, it’s the equivalent of going up to a street musician and telling him sometimes you and your friend Kenny jam in your mom’s basement. I’m not Jack White by any means, but I am a street musician actually putting myself out there while you’ve been in your mom’s basement thinking about it.

I could have listed a hundred messages from guys telling me that they’re “pretty funny, too,” including one from a guy whose friends compare him to Louis CK (your friends are liars!), but those messages have become as commonplace as “Hey ;)”. And just like those Hey messages, I deleted most of them. So instead I offer you jokes that were messaged to me and the alternative responses I gave to said jokes.

XOXO,

Emily

Screenshot_2014-08-12-10-05-23 Screenshot_2014-08-14-20-31-16Screenshot_2014-08-12-10-05-23


making your life harder

18 Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

This is clickbait. I got the headline from some other dumb article I didn’t read.

There are a lot of articles out there with headlines like this. You think it might be a list of #lifehacks or ways that people have hilariously messed up their lives, but it never is. Usually it’s a bunch of crap like “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” and then a bunch of new-agey rambling bullshit. It’s so boring that I’m having a hard time making this introduction interesting.

A lot of people are making their lives harder than they need to. Actually, everybody is in one way or another, but some people are way worse. This article is about those idiots. Here is my list of 18 ways you are making your life harder than it has to be:

  1. You are a dick to everyone all the time, for no reason
    People don’t like jerks. If you are one, then life isn’t going to be particularly easy for you.
  2. You insist on playing Monopoly at every family get-together
    The game takes way too long, and everyone hates eachother at the end. They hate you in the beginning for suggesting it.
  3. You never bought furniture for your home
    Where are you going to sit? Where do you store things? What if you have guests over? Wait, YOU DON’T HAVE A BED? This is stressing me out just thinking about it. You are making things too hard.
  4. You have 7 children, all named hctauqsas
    Imagine the neverending chaos this would cause in your life. It’s one thing to give all your kids the same name, like George Foreman did. It’s one thing to give a kid a name you are incapable of pronouncing. It’s another thing to do both of those things; another thing entirely.
  5. You are an open carry advocate
    You spend your time trying to make it legal for you to carry round a heavy, cumbersome rifle with you in public at all times. You have delusions of stopping a bad guy from robbing a bank. In reality, carrying that big gun just makes you likely to be the first person shot in a such a crisis, and also you do all your banking online.  You think the rifle will gain you respect and serve as an ice breaker when you meet new people, but in reality everyone will be uncomfortable around you. Basically you are one of the dumbest human beings on the entire planet earth.
  6. You spend a lot of time on your Linkedin profile
    Linkedin is a scam and a waste of time. Fill it out if you want, but that company is looking at the resume you send them, not the one pretending to be a shitty Facebook page.
  7. You read a lot of comments on internet articles
    What the fuck are you doing with your life?
  8. You chose to be gay
    Let me be clear here: homosexuality is not a choice. That doesn’t mean it isn’t technically possible to choose it, though it does mean choosing it isn’t easy.
  9. You always touch animals in the face
    Nobody will blame a dog for biting you if you grab it’s face the first time you meet it. You’re an adult. Stop it.
  10. You never refill your ice trays until you are out of ice
    Same thing with buying more toilet paper when you’re down to the last rolls. Speaking of which…
  11. You never poop on purpose
    You probably spend a lot of money on underwear.
  12. You have a spare tire that you rotate instead of getting a new one
    Some lady that works at the factory next door to my job has been doing this for months. Every day, when she cuts through our parking lot to get to the highway, I notice she still has her spare on, but she has moved it to a different spot. In other words: rather than buying a new tire, she spends time EVERY DAY rotating tires to reduce damage to her car.
  13. You never use your characters’ special moves because you want to save MP for the boss of the level even though there are plenty of chances to replenish it by then
    I never realized how bad I was at video games as a child until I started replaying the same games as an adult.
  14. All of your clothes have pictures of your penis ironed onto them
    There are so many places you aren’t allowed to go.
  15. You don’t realize there is a “Stop Notifications” option on Facebook
    Learning this made my life so much better.
  16. You filled your house with bees.
    You are crashing at your sister’s place while the air conditioner “freezes them out.” You’ve been doing this for weeks, but your plan is stupid and only driving up your electricity bill/straining your relations with your family. I don’t know the actual solution, but it’s damn sure time you figure something out.
  17. You never use cruise control
    Everyone else on the road thinks you’re an asshole.
  18. You eat way too many chocolate chip cookies
    This is a reference to an earlier article that you should go read right now.

Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, go to his live show on August 27th, and don’t email him.


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