This is clickbait. I got the headline from some other dumb article I didn’t read.
When I first saw this headline, it made me angry. I kept thinking about how the written word used to be important. Not everybody knew how to read and write, and to do so was a gift. People only recorded great stories and important records. Now it seems like language exists mostly to trick people into staring at your stupid collection of links to cooking websites.
But then I realized maybe I was being irrational. Aside from the infuriating title, there’s really nothing wrong with the article. It’s food porn, but I have no problem with that. I don’t want to slut shame anyone for staring at pictures of cookies. If fantasizing about chocolate chip cookies during a slow workday keeps you from murdering your boss, I’m all for it.
Still, the title is inexcusably obnoxious. The only way any of these methods of eating chocolate chip cookies would change anyone’s life is if they did it continuously for long time and gave themself the diabeetus. I, on the other hand, set out to write an honest list of ways to eat chocolate chip cookies that would actually and truly change someone’s life in a meaningful way. I fucking succeeded. As you read it, make sure you picture a dumb idiot eating cookies like a moron.
Here are my 23 life-changing ways to eat chocolate chip cookies
- While graduating from college.
This is a big moment for you. You ask your parents to have chocolate chip cookies at your graduation party. Things are looking up. After this, your life will never be the same.
- While you finally sign up for online dating.
You are only in your early twenties, but you aren’t in school anymore and it’s hard to meet people. Your friends have been bugging you for awhile, and you resisted at first. You aren’t sure exactly why, but you decide to make the leap. Little do you know, after today your life will never be the same.
- While accepting your first post-college job ever
It might be a retail position, but at least you are a supervisor. A year in this position would look great on your resume when you finally get a shot at a “real” job. There’s even the possibility of a promotion in the next six months. All these new experiences and responsibilities. So many new peers. From this moment, your life will never be the same.
- During your first date with your future wife
You don’t yet know that she’s the love of your life. You just think she’s attractive, funny, and interesting. Actually, no: more than interesting, this girl is fascinating. That word choice is significant to you and you don’t know why. She somehow seems as interested in you as you are in her. There’s an electric current running between the two of you, and it explodes into a burst of lightning whenever you both laugh. You laugh a lot that night. You aren’t sure, but deep down you know that your life will never be the same.
- Right after your boss said “No more goddamn cookies while you are on the sales floor!”
Shit shit shit. Shit! You thought she was on her lunch break, but that must have been a trap. You wonder why they suddenly care so much if you eat on the job. Customers never complain about it! The only silver lining is that this isn’t a career job you were counting on long term. As you turn in your name tag, you can’t shake the feeling that your life will never be the same.
- While applying for unemployment.
You never thought it would come to this. You were going to work hard, get what you want, and never need government assistance. Now you know how easy it is to fall behind, and that it’s no big deal if you need a hand. With this new sense of perspective, your life will never be the same.
- While deciding to fully commit to the job search and really apply yourself.
You are tired of sitting around all day in your apartment, feeling like a bum. During a long talk with your girlfriend, she helps you realize what you really want to do with your life, why you picked your major in the first place. You’re determined to change things for the better. If you have your way, your life will never be the same.
- While buying an engagement ring.
The jewelry shop’s owner tells you not to bring food into his store, but when you mention you are going to drop a bunch of cash on an engagement ring, he sighs and says “Come in.” To tell the truth, the cookie helps calm your nerves. This is a big purchase, and in terms of lifelong commitment, this is when a man goes all in. Saying words on the altar is just a formality, since he already said “I do” a year earlier by pointing and saying “That one, I guess?” to a clerk at a jewelry store. You take a deep breath, and know in that moment your life will never be the same.
- During the interview for your dream job.
This job was going to be yours. They liked your resume, and the other two finalists both came across like crazy people. Then you walk in and start eating a chocolate chip cookie in the middle of the interview. They are horrified, annoyed, and dreading having to start the whole application process over, rather than hire any of their finalists. The cookies are so good that you notice none of this. You were so close to getting the job, but now your life will never be the same.
- While taking Percocet for the first time.
Word gets back to you that you failed spectacularly at the interview. That, on top of wedding planning, really stresses you out. Your friend offers you some Percocet, but says not to take it on an empty stomach. You have it with some chocolate chip cookies, and for a few hours the world feels just right. You don’t know it yet, but your life will never be the same.
- During your wedding
You guys have a small wedding cake, but you also have a table with a variety of cookies. You stick to chocolate chip. This is the happiest moment you can ever remember. You look forward to the ways in which your life will never be the same.
- While you bought a house together
Money’s tight, but this is what people do. The realtor baked chocolate chip cookies to make the place smell nice, but you would have fallen in love with the house anyway. You are a little nervous about the payments, but you’re proud to feel like a real adult. Your life will never be the same.
- Instead of putting a condom on
Things are still a mess from the move, which is how the cookies ended up stored in the same cabinet as the condoms. Also, you’re a little drunk, and so is she. You have a quick snack and head back into the bedroom. You have no idea, but soon your life will never be the same.
- While driving home stoned late at night
You went out with some friends to celebrate the news. You are going to be a father. As you fly down the highway, the windows are down and the radio is up. You don’t know the name of the song, but you love it. There’s a chocolate chip cookie in one hand, and a chocolate chunk cookie in the other. In this moment, everything feels perfect. In an instant things will change, and your life will never be the same.
- While the judge delivers your sentence.
“On the charge of vehicular manslaughter, I find the defendant guilty.” As the judge pounds the gavel, you get some teardrops on the chocolate chip cookie. Despite what you’d think, it doesn’t add a touch of saltiness; it just makes it damp. Your life will never be the same.
- During the NA meetings in prison that help you finally kick your addiction.
Your attendance is court ordered, but at least there’s snacks. Also, it’s not like you have much else to do with your time. You slowly begin to grasp how important it is that your life will never be the same.
- During your first parole meeting.
You follow everyone’s advice: memorize Red’s speech from the end of Shawshank Redemption, then personalize it. Apply it to your own life and crime. Supposedly this usually works, but it is much less effective through a mouthful of chocolate chip cookie. You finally realize after all these years that maybe you should stop eating cookies in the middle of important meetings. With this realization, your life will never be the same.
- During the birth of your child.
This is one of the happiest moments of your life, and it is made even better by sneaking a chocolate chip cookie into the delivery room. It is made a lot worse by the fact that you have to head back to prison. With a human child now dependent on you, your life will never be the same.
- As you finally get out of prison
You see your wife and daughter waiting for you, and you are overcome by tears of joy. Your life will never be the same.
- After an argument about finances, when you realize the two of you are drifting apart
It isn’t that you don’t love her anymore. If that were the case, you wouldn’t feel so crushed by this revelation. Instead of getting your shit together and trying to fix things, you bury your feelings in a pile of chocolate chip cookies. You reluctantly accept that your life will never be the same.
- While having a fling with the lady at the bakery.
The chocolate chip cookie right before the incident is one of the most delicious you’ve ever tasted. There’s caramel in it, and danger and lust and adrenaline. The chocolate chip cookie after the incident is soaked in guilt and self loathing. It’s also a little dry. Your life will never be the same.
- As your wife kicks you out of the house
Your decision to tell her about the affair while the two of you were sharing some chocolate chip cookies was most definitely a mistake. They weren’t even from the same bakery, but that reassurance just makes things worse. Your life will never be the same.
- While your doctor tells you to lay off the sweets, if you want to live a long and happy life
“For fuck’s sake, you’re eating a chocolate chip cookie right now, in my office! Do I really have to explain why you’re experiencing these problems?” Poor bedside manner aside, your doctor is right. He’s been telling you to eat healthier for years, but you never listened.
You’d always associated chocolate chip cookies with the good times in your life. They were there when you met your wife, on your wedding day, and the day Sally was born. They held your hand during your withdrawal from hard drugs, and again when the urges just came out of nowhere. Maybe these happy memories clouded your judgement. They kept you from seeing the true nature of your relationship with chocolate chip cookies.
All of these problems you’ve been having: your weight approaching 300 pounds, the onset of diabetes, the back pain, losing out on important opportunities, getting addicted to drugs, not having a hand on the wheel when your car went out of control, and of course your current problems with your wife. All of these issues seem somehow tied to chocolate chip cookies.
It’s time to grow up. You’re an adult; you shouldn’t be eating so many goddamn cookies. Today you change. Today you become a new man. This will be the third act in the Judd Apatow movie that is your life. You’re going to lose weight, start eating better, maybe take up racquetball again. Getting a decent job is difficult as an ex-con, but you’ll find a way.
You’re going to do what it takes to win your wife back, and if that doesn’t work out you’ll still be the best father you can be. Things are going to be okay. You aren’t going to have any more chocolate chip cookies. At least not for now. You are so excited about your new outlook on life that you run out of the doctor’s office without finishing the checkup. You get into your car, and you drive off into the sunset, not stopping once for cookies.
Starting today, you are determined to make sure your life will never be the same.
Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, go to his live show on July 30th, and don’t email him.