Comedy in The Lou

Signs You’re Dating A Man, Not A Boy

12 Signs You’re Dating A Man, Not A Boy

This is clickbait. I got the headline from some other dumb article. The article is from Elite Daily, which is terrible.

First of all: fuck anyone that still thinks “Generation Y” is a term. Elite Daily is “The voice of Generation-Y?” Well congratulations, assholes, that’s a thing that doesn’t even exist. The last generation was too lazy to come up with a name for itself, and somehow we have to carry that torch? Fuck that. We already have a name, and it’s Millennials. Don’t even get me started on this “Generation Z” bullshit that popped up recently.

This article was awful even by Elite Daily’s lack of standards. First of all, I’ve basically seen this same idea dozens of times on other sites. Usually it’s directed toward men, not women, and lays out some obvious but sensible advice. It’s pretty much always the same. The only original thing the author did was reshape the idea into dating advice, which is somehow worse than if he’d just plagiarized it outright.

If you’ve read this series from the beginning, you already know my feelings about dating advice from “Dating Experts.” However, the author of the article doesn’t call himself a dating expert. He calls himself a philosopher. Barf. I don’t know if it is more or less terrible that the author is probably just a pseudonym, but either way a human being thought that was a charming thing to add to his byline.

Skimming over the article, almost none of the advice seems to be reliable for differentiating between men and boys. According to the author, all it takes to be a man is not act like a piece of shit. That’s stupid and inaccurate. Since I am a man, and since I used to be a boy, I was able to come up with a pretty authoritative list of 12 signs you’re dating a man, not a boy.

First, here are a few methods that are NOT good ways to tell if he’s a man:

  1. Cutting him in half and counting the number of rings.
    This is probably the most difficult way to determine a human’s age, and you should NOT attempt it unless you are a medical professional.

  2. Carbon Dating
    This actually has nothing to do with dating/relationships.

  3. Making him take a Buzzfeed quiz.
    Those can be extremely unreliable. Last week I took one and it said I’m Haymitch , when I’m obviously Katniss.

Here is the definitive list of 12 signs you’re dating a man, not a boy:

  1. He has buried a wife.
    Not just any wife, his own deceased wife. Any kid can murder and stash someone else’s wife (I’ve mentioned before that it is pretty easy to make a dead body). What’s important is the life experiences he has gained through years of an ultimately tragic marriage. Also the deep crushing sadness of a man that has truly loved and lost, as opposed to some boy that got dumped one time.

  2. He has difficulty maintaining an erection.
    Barring a tragic accident (or shortsighted determination to hold on to his spot as lead soprano through the end of high school), any post-pubescent boy can get an erection without even trying. That doesn’t mean he knows how to use it.

  3. He has misplaced nostalgia for his high school years.
    A boy knows that high school is not as fun as the movies make it out to be.  As the years go by and the body breaks down, he begins to pine for his youth and forget how much homework sucks.

  4. He has a fancy degree on his wall.
    I know what you are thinking: “Doogie Howser had a fancy degree, and he was just a boy!” WRONG. Doogie Howser was a man. He had a stable, well paying job. He was the smartest guy around, had his own place, and was technically old enough to pump you full of children. Plus, he grew up to be Neil Patrick Harris. What more could you ever possibly want in a man?

  5. He hasn’t been the same since the war.
    Modern warfare isn’t the romanticized, masculine, noble exercise that Theodore Rooselt thought it was. You don’t have to go to a foreign land and pump foreigners full of lead to “achieve” your manhood (although it can help you get that degree). However, if he has gone into battle, then emerged as a shattered husk of his former self, you can bet he’s a real man.

  6. Your “daddy issues” kick in every time you see him.
    Don’t get offended by this one. As a feminist, I’m well aware that daddy issues were created by the patriarchy as a trick to get hot chicks to have sex with dumb jerks. It’s kind of like how Reagan and the CIA invented crack (or was it AIDS? Sometimes I have a hard time keeping my conspiracies straight). Anyway, now that you have daddy issues, you might as well use them for something good: identify real men.

  7. He complains about his bad back.
    The human body is a fragile machine. If his is starting to break, then he’s the man you’ve been looking for.

  8. He was your high school chemistry teacher.
    I said “was” for a reason. If he currently is your teacher, then maybe you shouldn’t be dating a man yet, no matter how good the chemistry is.

  9. He has a strained relationship with his adult daughter.
    Ding ding ding! Sounds like a man to me!

  10. He uses a cellphone holster
    Now that phones are really big, I know a ton of people that use these. None of them are boys. None of them are women. All of them are undeniably men.

  11. He is burdened by a crippling amount of debt.
    If he has student loan debt, he might be a man. If he has a mortgage he can barely afford, he’s DEFINITELY a man.

  12. He’s due for a prostate exam.
    WARNING: If he asks you to do a prostate exam at home, he might not be a man. He might just be a boy that’s into butt stuff.

If you think of some more signs you’re dating a man, not a boy, tweet them to @jeremyhellwig. I’ll let you know how dumb you are and how much better my examples were. You can also read my previous clickbait articles here.

Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, and don’t email him.

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