Comedy in The Lou

Pictures of Comedians on Stage Telling Jokes: Ben Kronberg at The Firebird — May 28, 2014


fired

7 Signs You’re About to be Fired

This is clickbait. I got the headline from some other dumb article I didn’t read. It is from Monster.com.

A few years ago, I was unemployed for an extended period of time. I turned to Monster, because I thought it would help. It didn’t. Sometimes I would find listings for interesting “entry-level” positions, but then I’d scroll down and see that they require multiple years of experience. This seriously happened every goddamn time. Either Monster doesn’t know what that term means, or this was some kind of sick joke at the expense of the unemployed.

As terrible as Monster’s listings are, their advice articles are just as bad. Every one of their articles about writing resumes ends with a plug for their resume builder. This makes sense. There’s no reason free articles shouldn’t also be ads (click here to listen to my podcast!). The problem is that most of these articles recommend using bullet points in your resume… but the Monster resume builder doesn’t have that as an option!

Holy shit, what is this, a fucking prank? I know it’s probably just gross incompetence, but if anybody could use a break, it’s unemployed people. At some point during my year or so of unemployment, I came to the conclusion that hell probably isn’t a real place. Instead,after death you wait in line for heaven just to find out that getting in requires 5 years prior experience already living in heaven. Then you spend eternity living with your parents and applying to afterlives online. Doesn’t that sound worse than burning for all eternity? Fuck you Monster.com.

Anyway, they released a stupid list of 7 signs you are about to be fired. I wrote a better version of the list, because I’m not terrible like they are. Also, I’ve been let go from a couple jobs in my day. By this point, I’m pretty sure I know all the warning signs.

  1. Your boss was fired because he hired you.
    At this point, if you make it to the end of the day, it’ll be because there was some confusion over who was supposed to fire you.
  2. The doors are locked and a supervisor is standing in the parking lot with a box of envelopes.
    Apparently, terrible as it sounds, this is standard procedure when a restaurant runs out of money. Paula Deen did this recently when her brother’s restaurant closed. I guess it makes sense that a restaurateur being sued over racial discrimination would be afraid of her recently fired minority employees gutting the place if she lets them in.
  3. The owner of the company looked up at the rising flames and muttered “Oh shit, that wasn’t insured.”
    If you have to choose between burning to death in that fire and being unemployed again, the answer is pretty obvious. I know what I said above, but burning to death is way more painful and permanent. Choose life.
  4. The HR guy is pointing at the security camera footage, asking you to identify yourself like he’s blind or something. 
    Seriously? Is he trying to be passive aggressive? That’s obviously you walking off with that cash register. Or does he think all white people look the same?
  5. “There’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is I still have MY job…” 
    I know I made this one up, but fuck the fictional guy that’s firing people like this. I can’t even.
  6. You had to reapply for your own job, but you didn’t know any of the answers.
    I had to do this once. My position was being combined with one from another department. I looked at the new job description, and it was 95% things I’d never heard of. In case you don’t feel like doing the math, that either means the other position was  19 times more work than mine, or most of what I did all day had been deemed unnecessary.
  7. This is your sixth no-call/no-show. 
    I know a guy that was fired on his birthday. I expressed condolences on facebook. Then I found out he was fired for his 6th no-call/no-show. I had to officially retract all of my sympathies, because he shouldn’t have even had that many chances.

If you notice any of these signs, there is nothing you can do. Once they decide to fire you, that’s it. You’d better start your job search, but do yourself a favor and don’t use Monster. Go straight to company websites. It’s the only way.

If you want to read more of these, you should check out this one or this one or this one or this one or this one.

Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, and don’t email him.


The Hunks Of Philosophy Calendar – January: Heraclitus

Jeremy Bentham, Aristotle, Bertrand Russell, Søren Kierkegaard.  Great male thinkers of the ages.

We relegate these men to libraries, art galleries and classroom discussions.  There, away from the comings and goings of life, they become an abstraction; people forget these men were just that: men.  Men with totally ripped abs and protruding pecs.

In the coming weeks, I hope to rectify this by bringing you pages from a calendar I am creating: The Hunks Of Philosophy. Twelve months of big brains and bigger bods.

– Christian Lawrence

January Heraclitus


benVroseanne

leavechurch

5 Really Bad Reasons To Leave Your Church

This is clickbait. I got the headline from some other dumb article I didn’t read. It’s from some super-serious Christian site, and I very rarely click through to Christian sites. In fact, I might get in trouble with a couple of my friends, but if you have a personal blog with a bibley sounding name, I’ve never read it. Not even once. I’m not sorry. I don’t hold conversations with people that unironically use the term “homies” and I don’t click on blogs with “Joy” in the tile.

The only Christian blog I regularly click on is by a guy named Matt Walsh. You may know Matt Walsh as a cofounder of the Upright Citizens Brigade, or from his role on Veep, or as the doctor from that one scene in The Hangover. Me too. Turns out there’s another Matt Walsh, and he’s a conservative radio host and a huge asshole. So, every couple months I see a headline and think “Beloved improviser and character actor Matt Walsh doesn’t care about gender equality in the workplace (or is anti-minimum wage, or not quite hiding his contempt for gay people, etc.)!?!?!? NOOOO!!!” Then I click, and realize I’ve been tricked again. Fuck you, fake Matt Walsh.

Anyway, I saw this headline and thought I could come up with an even better list of 5  really bad reasons to leave your church. Turns out I could, so here they are.

  1. Other church across  town is offering a Groupon.
    Changing churches for monetary reasons is usually a bad idea. Besides, Groupon gets to keep half the money in these kinds of deals. Even it you are only tithe-ing 2.5%, half of that is going to an industry that’s doomed in the long run. Wait… no… I meant Groupon, not religion!
  2. You finally tried human flesh, and it tastes nothing like the Eucharist. Transubstantiation just isn’t an option for you anymore.
    A lot of people struggle with transubstantiation, but that’s no reason to leave the Catholic Church. You’ve had plenty of better excuses by now. Either way, if you’re eating people, please don’t come back to my church.
  3. Missionary preacher is “too foreigny” for your tastes.
    There’s a priest from India at my parish. Almost none of the midwestern white people could understand him at first, but they worked through it. Then he went back to India for a couple months and came back with a stronger accent. They worked through it again. I guess my point is this: sit your racist ass back down and try to learn something about the world for once.
  4. The line for the rollercoaster gets way too long on Sundays.
    Your church has a rollercoaster!?!? How the hell are you possibly complaining about that!?!?
  5. You heard Jews have their own extra Halloween, and Halloween is your favorite. 
    It’s called Purim, and it sounds pretty fun, as far as religious holidays go. However, if you make some Jewish friends, they’ll probably let you participate. Or you can have your own costume party every year; nobody is stopping you. Be warned, however, that theme parties and costume days eventually lead to diminishing returns. So, use sparingly.

PS: After writing this, I went back and actually read the article I’m making fun of. It wasn’t too terrible, aside from the fact that #1 and #4 are the exact same thing, only with different words. “I’m not being fed” is just a euphemism for “my needs aren’t being met.” You can’t have both on the same list. He seriously couldn’t think of 5 really bad reasons to leave your church. Five is nothing. I had way more than enough, and some of them didn’t make the cut, such as 6. Your church was falling behind in the arms race of drum kits for contemporary worship services and 7. Some bitch said “Happy Holidays” last December. What is this, some kind of secular church?  Apparently my b-sides are better than anything he came up with.

If you want to read more of these, you should check out this one or this one or this one or this one.

Jeremy Hellwig is an award winning person and a writer for the website you are currently looking at. Follow him on Twitter, listen to his podcast, and don’t email him.


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